How Do You Know If Your Feedback Is Done?
How do you know if feedback is done?
Both parties agree.
Most people think if the feedback is ‘said’ … the feedback is done.
But your KPI isn’t that words have been said. It’s that the other person knows what to do with that information.
When you make sure you have an agreement at the end of your conversation, you increase the likelihood that they take on the feedback.
“Ok, what’s a ‘feedback agreement’?”
It’s 1-2 sentences outlining what you both agree to, as a result of your conversation.
At the end of your conversation, you say: “What are we agreeing to, as a result of this conversation?”
When you both agree the next step is reasonable, you’re good to go.
Any agreement = both people agree on the next steps.
Those steps could be to:
Come up with a plan.
Come back to this conversation.
Going away to action X, then coming back to re-discuss.
Agreeing it’s not a big deal and moving on.
Who leads the agreement?
Both parties can. But if you're the one giving feedback, it’s on your to do list.
If you’re the one getting feedback, you can use an agreement to figure out what they’re asking for. For example, “So what do we need to agree on, to get this on track?” is one way you can get more clarity.
Here’s how you’d frame it in a conversation (at the end).
At the end, get the person to play back what they understand, to know it’s landed.
Examples:
‘What does the next step look like from your perspective?’
‘What’s reasonable to expect from your view?’
If they are finding it hard to get there, you can suggest agreements such as:
‘I’ve got a few ideas, can you tell me what’s reasonable for you…’
‘This seems pretty straightforward to me. Shall we just meet next week?’
‘From my perspective, I’m thinking X as the next step, are you?’
If the feedback isn’t landing, try smaller agreements.
Have you ever given someone feedback and never seen results? One reason may be because you haven’t made the agreement small enough.
For example, getting someone to say, ‘yes I will work completely differently’ once a year, in a performance review, likely isn’t going to result in someone changing. The reason is because the steps are too big.
Instead, try a smaller agreement. For example, “We need to work differently. As a starting point, can we agree to start altering our Monday meetings?”
Practise with smaller agreements when it’s a bigger behaviour change.
An agreement is also useful if you haven’t been clear.
While you might have rehearsed a feedback conversation, on the day, you might find yourself dancing around what you want to say.
Your KPI isn’t that you’ve talked. It’s that they’ve understood.
By making sure you don’t leave the convo without an agreement, you learn what the other person has heard you say.
Get them to play back what they understand you’re agreeing to.
Why do small agreements work?
Research has found one thing that has greater influence over how people behave at work than their written contract: a psychological contract.
A psychological contract is the standards you want other people to adhere to, in your working relationships. For example, you want daily feedback, or you want people to listen.
The thing is though… it's rare that we share these expectations with those we work with. This leads to frustration when inevitably, others don’t meet your expectations (as they have no idea what you expected of them).
If you’re going to work together, you might as well know what each other expects, right?
Agreeing on a way of working together makes those assumptions a) visible and b) agreed to. Small agreements help you build a shared ‘contract’ together, every single feedback conversation. You both opt into a way of working that works for you.
“What if we don’t agree?”
When you don’t agree, it’s not the end of the conversation. It’s an invitation to find what you can agree on.
This could look like:
“We see things differently. Yet, I do have to do X. What do you want to do next?”
“I respect your decision. As your boss, I have to let you know the next steps …”
“Let's get someone to help us get on the same page.”
If it’s high stakes, it’s useful to share what your non-negotiables are and what it means if they can’t get on board with those.
For example, if they can’t get on board with X … does it mean you’ll need to have a resetting talk about your expectations of their role? Does it mean you’ll have to re-assess whether it’s a good fit?
Most disagreements are just mismatched expectations.
Use this idea to figure out what you can agree on, and what it means for both of you, as a result.
Remember: feedback isn’t an order. It’s a suggestion.
For your team member to be down with it, they need to opt in.
Using an ‘agreement’ at the end of your feedback conversations is one way you can do that.
Are you someone who’d like to get better at giving and receiving feedback?
If you like the idea of getting better at this with your team, you might be interested in bringing our workshop on this topic to your workplace. In this workshop, we step through a framework to give feedback and talk about defensiveness being very normal.
If you are a reflective thinker who prefers to read through ideas, you might enjoy our eBook on Giving & Recieving Feedback. It covers everything you need to know about feedback.
Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme.
For leaders and individual contributors.