Resetting A Relationship With A Conversation.
What do you do when your working relationship is fractured?
Get out of drama's grasp by having a feedback conversation with a bigger goal: improving your relationship.
There are times when you need to reset your working relationships.
To do that, you need a different type of conversation: one where you make a request for a different type of relationship.
If your relationship isn’t quite on track, you can have a different type of feedback conversation.
The feedback would be that you want a stronger working relationship. And that the current dynamic is not helping either of you achieve that.
Starting with why.
A useful exercise in reducing your own stress is figuring out what’s actually happening. Is it that you’re in disagreement? Or is it a functional gap in how you work together?
For example, is it that …
You don’t see things the same?
Your colleague has acted in a confrontational way that’s at odds with the situation?
How they’re behaving is creating confusion?
There’s been a misunderstanding?
Zoom out. Remove the need to be right and focus on what’s actually happening. What’s really going on in the dynamic from your perspective?
What is reasonable to expect?
There may be no scenario where they see things like you. It’s useful to remember, in your conversation, your job is not to change their reality.
Your only job is to state facts. E.g. ‘It seems we’re not seeing this the same’. ‘It seems we got off to a wrong start’.
Then, to find something you can both live with. Not to be right or have them realise they are sorry. Just an arrangement that helps you both have a functional relationship.
What is your request?
In my workshops on building stronger relationships through feedback, I ask people to write down their ‘ideal situation’, as a first step.
Here are examples:
‘I want a productive working relationship.’
‘I want a scenario where the report just happens without delays.’
‘I don’t want to have two hour long meetings with no agenda.’
When people figure out what they actually want, drama melts away. Replacing it is a simple request. What might your request look like?
How to say it in a feedback conversation.
You have to be direct and specific to get a different result. The vaguer you are, the more they will hear what they want to hear.
If it’s true most people aren’t truly listening to 100% of what we say, what do you want them to remember?
Think about how you can be the most direct in the least amount of words. Examples of ways to get to the point:
‘I’m wanting a productive working relationship. How about you?’
‘I want a better way of working. Do you want the same thing?’
‘When deadlines are missed, I get the impression this isn’t a priority for you. It’s very stressful for me. What’s your reality?
Not cruel. Succinct. What could your version look like?
Remember: your job is to request what you want.
Don’t get lost in ‘but what if they…’ scenarios. They’ll decide whether they want to think about it. But you have to make a request in the first place, for them to consider it.
In the conversation, validate their perspective.
Validating is not agreeing. Validating is acknowledging.
This is important as the quickest way to upset someone is to not acknowledge their reality.
Instead, if you validate their perspective, even if you see it differently, they’ll be more open to listening to you.
Validating is simply acknowledging what they’ve said. Just say what you’re hearing.
Examples:
‘It sounds like this isn’t working for you.’
‘I’m getting the vibe that the way we’re working isn’t helping either of us.’
‘That sounds frustrating. Is it?’
When you’re stressed you’ll stop listening. Forcing yourself to validate their perspective before you move on, makes sure they’re listening to what you say next. Listen. Validate. Then, talk.
What to do when they don’t agree.
You’re not responsible for making sure they agree with you. Your job is just to see what’s possible. For example, ‘is it possible for us to have a different type of relationship? Is it possible to get the project done on time with less confusion?’
And if it’s not … what would that mean for both of you?
Examples:
‘If we can’t get along, we’ll have to get our boss involved.’
‘If we can’t figure this out, one of us will have to look at other options.’
‘If you can’t get on board with this, I’ll have to look at escalating this and I really don’t want to.’
Being mentally prepared for them to say no helps you let go of being attached to it having to go well.
Maybe it won’t. If so, what will you need to do, as a result? That way, there’s less surprises if, after your conversation, things change around them.
Bringing it all together.
Centre the job you’re both there to do. Make a simple request. Make it a two-way conversation.
Share your limits. End the conversation being crystal clear on what it means for both of you.
Do you want to change the norm of feedback in your workplace?
You’ll love our skill up workshops on feedback, if so. Did you know we teach these in workplaces?
Given less than half of leaders have proactive feedback conversations, and the majority of people avoid feedback because of how someone else will respond, giving people the tools is so important to encourage a culture of feedback.
Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme.
For leaders and individual contributors.