The Perfect Storm for Defensiveness in Feedback Conversations.
Avoid feedback because the other person gets defensive?
Defensiveness is unavoidable, so make a plan.
Did you know 44% of leaders find feedback stressful?
Employees are 3.6x more engaged with regular feedback, yet nearly half of leaders feel nervous to lead a feedback conversation.
Why? Many leaders fear how the other person will react.
If you have a feedback conversation coming up, having a toolkit for defensiveness will help you navigate it with confidence.
Why leaders need a toolkit for defensiveness.
If you give feedback, you’re likely to, at some point, be on the receiving end of defensiveness.
The premise of feedback is that someone else can see something you can’t. Therefore, it’s pretty natural anyone would feel judged pre-emptively.
When we feel judged or threatened in some way, the body processes a physiological response (the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for project managing threats, goes on alert). Not having a chance to share your point of view and not having enough time to process feedback adds additional pressure.
If you haven’t got the tools to put brakes on big emotions in feedback conversations (or you’re really tired/stressed), it creates a perfect storm for defensiveness.
The perfect storm triad of defensiveness:
Let’s put the triad into a blender: (1) no time, (2) no say, (3) feeling judged = we’ve created the perfect storm, or conditions, for defensiveness to escalate.
Leaders aren’t responsible for someone else's defensiveness.
But, there are things you can do to lower precursors.
💡Consider making your feedback multiple conversations.
Defensiveness means they can’t hear your feedback. They’re too busy defending their position. So, it’s in your best interest to influence it, from happening less, where you can.
One way you can lower the ‘perfect storm’ triad ( no time, no say, feeling judged) is to simply make more time for the feedback. Potentially, over a couple of conversations.
This can be counter intuitive for leaders who have ‘saved up’ constructive feedback for an annual chat. It feels high-stakes, which means they rush through it, forgetting to check how the employee sees things. Relieved the conversation is over, they don’t revisit the feedback and pray action happens as a result.
But think about how you find surprising feedback you haven’t considered before.
You need a minute to get your head around it, right?
For them to consider it, they might need a minute to process it. That could mean suggesting they go away and come back to discuss. Create time to go away and reflect (and/or cool jets if needed).
Could your next feedback convo be over two meetings? A few, if it’s a long term relationship?
When you’ve avoided feedback for a long time … 😩
You might just want to get it over and done with, dumping it all in one conversation. Yet, it overwhelms the other person and damages the relationship.
Making your next feedback conversation two-way (vs a ‘dump and run’).
Remember the perfect storm triad (no time, no say, feeling judged)?
A two-way conversation addresses the ‘no say’ bit, counteracting their internal “this doesn’t feel fair!”. Make it more fair, by handing them the mic. Then, actively listen to understand their point of view.
The quickest way to fast-track defensiveness is to not let the other person have a say.
Remember, influencing starts by tuning into their version of reality. When people have time to share their perspective, defensiveness lowers.
🙊Minimise defensiveness with a ‘STOP TALKING’ cue.
Many leaders talk for the majority of conversations to justify feedback. This has led me over the years to create a ‘STOP TALKING’ cue in my workshops on feedback.
In real life, this looks like:
You share an observation. An “I” statement. e.g. “I’ve noticed/I’ve wondered.”
You share the impact. A “so what” moment. e.g. “So what this means is…”
YOU STOP TALKING.
The forced stop helps leaders see without one, they risk diluting their message.
As soon as someone sniffs ‘I haven’t said my take’, defensiveness is often brewing.
Instead, build listening into your conversation (sounds obvious but like most communication tips, it’s easier to say it than to do it in real life as our habits are so hard wired).
If you want to make defensiveness ‘go away’...
Many leaders share they go into ‘caretaker’ mode in conversations not wanting the other person to ‘feel bad’. Anticipating defensiveness, after giving feedback they backtrack, later resenting it and losing their confidence in their ability to give quality feedback.
The STOP TALKING cue doesn’t take that craving away necessarily. It just creates silence. That silence allows the employee to participate in the conversation (vs being passive).
Could it be useful to have a ‘STOP TALKING’ cue in your next conversation?
Deciding in advance, when you will stop talking, creates the time and intent for the other person to participate in the conversation.
Talk for 20%. Listen for 80%. See how it feels.
Great communicators search for evidence in conversations that the other person has understood. That often means they need to listen more than talk. You don’t know if they’ve understood if you do all the talking, right?
If you’ve saved up your constructive feedback for an annual chat…
Your intent is positive. So why is the other person defensive?
Consider if you’ve been saying it’s all good for months then wait for a formal process to give constructive feedback, it brews suspicion. It’s also not fair to that person, who didn’t have a chance to make it right back when you noticed it.
Part of the leadership gig is absorbing the ‘cost’ of feedback not given.
It sucks when you realise the sunken cost of not giving feedback. Sure, they were underperforming. But if they didn’t get feedback back then, that’s technically on you.
This will require you to absorb what you’ve ignored. This can be de-energising for leaders when they realise they can’t unleash their ‘ammunition’ come performance time.
What can be more productive for your credibility and their wellbeing is to put a line in the sand and start from today. The good news is, data indicates it’s more effective anyways.
Research indicates employees are 3.6x more engaged when they get regular feedback.
Let’s say you start giving smaller pieces of feedback, more often, on the smaller things.
Far from being ‘nit picky’, it grows your confidence, and trust between you both, meaning when you need to have bigger conversations, you’ve got some ‘reps’ in. It’s not a totally foreign activity, to your nervous system. It’s more … ‘medium-stakes’ vibes.
Small feedback helps you avoid bigger feedback.
It also creates a dynamic where feedback is normal.
Your job is to protect the standard. That’s done with hundreds of tiny pieces of guidance, over time.
Recap:
Perfect storm triad = no say, no time, feeling judged.
STOP TALKING to involve the other person (and cool your adrenaline).
You’re ‘allowed’ to have the conversation over a few chats.
Regular feedback = 3.6x more engaged employees.
Leaders need a refresher on these ideas?
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“Previously I’ve not known how to give feedback on behaviour. This has given me a framing.”