Lose Your Cool in Feedback Conversations?
Feel the need to defend your own feedback?
Creating a ‘so what’ statement can remove the need all together.
Have you ever felt ‘attacked’ when someone challenges your feedback?
Leaders often tell us they’re worried the other person will disagree with their feedback.
As a result, when their feedback is challenged or queried, their defensiveness goes turbo.
People describe it as “I lost it” and “I just blew up.”
The other person challenges your feedback. You double down.
You know how it felt for you. But have you considered how it came across to the person opposite you?
People can sense someone who isn’t having a two-way conversation.
Even if you feel out of control. It puts them on edge. As a result, they get defensive.
Because you’re a leader, employees have higher expectations of you. Meaning, if you go turbo, it damages how ‘safe’ that person judges your relationship. Even if they’re being defensive themselves.
So what’s a leader who’s blown up in the past to do, to repair relationships, rebuild trust and credibility, and magically stay cool in the face of defensiveness? 😮💨
To communicate differently, you have to manage your emotions.
To do that, you gotta figure out what’s making you go turbo. One ‘trigger’ for your inner turbo button is going into the conversation on edge, because you don’t have leverage in the conversation. As a result, you feel the need to win or dominate. You prepare to defend your position, pre-emptively. No chill on arrival.
What’s your leverage?
In a feedback conversation, leverage is highlighting what the impact is for the other person, as a result of what you’re trying to convey.
When you know you need an outcome, and you don’t have leverage, it puts you on edge.
Leaders often tell me in our workshop on feedback, they’ve rarely sat down to figure out what the actual impact of the feedback was, that could give them leverage in the conversation.
As one leader shared in a workshop, “I realised as a result of this training, that I was well intentioned, but poorly prepared.”
You have to be explicit, early, before their defenses kick in.
When the person getting the feedback is clear on the impact: they’re paying attention. As a result, you don’t need to waste precious energy ‘defending’ your position. Because your message is clear.
Set yourself up for success first, by figuring out what you’re going to say.
What helps leaders feel confident is spending less time trying to win the conversation and more time preparing their ‘so what’ factor, that they can share in the conversation.
The ‘so what’ is the impact of your feedback. Specifically, as a result of your feedback, what does this mean for the person getting that feedback?
So what could your ‘so what’ impact statement look like?
You’re giving feedback for someone on their behaviour. But have you clarified the impact of that behaviour on…
Their reputation?
How stakeholders see them?
Others?
Their personal wellbeing?
The work at risk?
Illustrating what the flow on effects are for the person you’re giving feedback to is the goal. If it’s explicit how they are, or could be, impacted, they’re more likely to pay attention.
Meaning, when you link your feedback to this ‘so what’ factor, it allows the other person to figure out whether they value that or not.
What are the flow on effects that the other person would care about?
That’s at the heart of any effective conversation. Your ‘so what’ becomes a torch, shining a light on something they might not be aware of.
It’s up to them, if they want to do anything about it.
Any conversation where you want to build credibility isn’t about winning.
Remembering that every interaction your team has with you is a chance to build trust and credibility.
Recall that building your personal credibility means anyone who works with you, feels clear and confident as a result of their interactions with you. To do that, it takes a certain amount of compassion and tolerance for the human condition.
Managing your own feelings is often the first place to start. Sometimes you need to do your homework, so you’re essentially turning up to the meeting prepared instead of outsourcing it to however you feel on that day.
Protect your relationship from whatever mood or whim you’re going to be on that day. Protect it, by doing your homework with a ‘so what’ statement up your sleeve.
Great communicators tune into other people's feelings.
That can only happen when you’ve got a hold on your own.
Show people respect by taking five minutes to figure out how you’re going to be succinct.
The net result? A kinder, more patient and generous response to their defensiveness. And bonus: your reputation for being a fair communicator increases. More psychological safety. Less defensiveness overall.
People are allowed to disagree with you and it doesn’t mean anything.
I mean, if they saw things the same, or if they were aware of the impact, you wouldn’t be having this conversation, right?
Recap:
If you lose your cool in feedback conversations, it will damage future feedback conversations from being effective.
Creating a clear ‘so what’ impact before your next feedback conversation helps you feel less likely to over justify or defend your feedback.
Do your homework so you can tune into their version of reality on the day.
Is it time for your leaders to have these tools so they can be more effective?
Old school leaders tend to dominate conversations and from my experience, are confused why it isn't working. As a result they get more frustrated, more defensive and their engagement scores eventually take a hit.
In our workshops, we make it clear it’s not about ‘babying’ people; it’s about getting your point across by using time honoured influencing fundamentals.
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“As a result of training I realised I was well intentioned but poorly prepared.”