When Feedback Goes Bad.
When the person you’re giving feedback to behaves poorly…
What do you do?
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person was hostile or defensive?
Maybe you were giving feedback and someone went on a tangent.
Perhaps they started blaming other people. Or, they went into ‘poor me’ mode, when you know they’re smart and competent.
Maybe something just seems off.
What to do when the conversation goes off-track.
Instead of reacting to poor behaviour with the same energy, try seeing it as an opportunity to clarify the type of working relationship you would like.
Asking yourself what your non-negotiable is, and finding ways to get back to that, can be immensely helpful when navigating an inhospitable response.
Six principles for turning a dysfunctional conversation around.
If you’re in a feedback conversation, and it goes downhill, don’t give up.
The main thing to remember is that when someone acts poorly, they are meeting some form of need that works for them (e.g. keeping them safe or seen). Your job is to help them see, by behaving differently, they can still get their needs met.
Consider whether these six approaches might yield you a different outcome:
Focus on the end goal.
Outline how you can both get your needs met.
Stay cool.
Stop talking.
Call out their fears.
Set your limits to the conversation.
Let’s take a look at the six, outlined below.
Call out the end goal for both parties.
People pay attention to what’s in it for them, especially when they’re heightened or annoyed.
Being explicit about why each other's expertise is valuable can be a useful way to equalise any power dynamics. Reminding them that they benefit can be a useful way to redirect the conversation.
This could sound like:
‘We both need the X project to go well.’
‘We both are responsible for a positive workplace environment.’
‘We both report to the same boss.’
‘We both are committed to supporting the audience we serve.’
Outlining what you both have in common helps you both zoom out on the bigger picture.
A scenario where you both get your needs met.
Sure, things aren't great now, but what could a different version look like?
It’s useful to validate what is true. For example, acknowledging it doesn’t seem to be working can take the air out of an argument and help you both move forward.
For example, this could sound like:
‘The way we’re working isn’t working for me, how about you? Can we start again?’
‘What would be on your wishlist for this to go well?’
‘All I need is the X report. What do you need for this to go well?’’
Remember, it’s not about you vs them. It’s about you both getting what you need.
This goes way better if you are calm.
Before you head in, make a plan on how you will stay cool.
Specifically: slowing down your heart rate and reframing your (natural) ‘what-the-hell-is-happening’ thoughts. You can do this by tapping into your body.
Examples:
Breathing slowly as they talk.
Wiggling your toes.
Thinking to yourself ‘slow it down, listen.’
Pushing a nail into your hand (I personally use this one in high-stakes situations).
Squeeze your bum cheeks (hey, don’t knock it until you try it).
What each of these examples do is slow down your thinking from going into defensive problem-solving mode.
Say your bit - then stop talking.
It’s counterintuitive but wow, does this work.
Say your bit then .... stop talking. Talk for 10%. Workshop/listen/have a chat for the 90%.
Why does this work?
When they don’t get a chance to share their experience, it fast tracks their need to 'defend themselves'. They think: ‘This isn't fair. I haven't shared my side of the story.’
Fairness is one of the biggest drivers of defensiveness. One way you can minimise that happening is to make it fair. Hand them the mic.
It’s ok to call out what you anticipate they’re freaking out about.
Bad behaviour is fear-based. Outlining the type of things you anticipate they might be nervous about can sometimes be effective in these types of scenarios.
This might sound like:
‘Just so you know, I’m not looking to take your job.’
‘I don’t want to run this department.’
‘I am not interested in saying this behind your back.’
When you reflect back on all of the things that could make someone feel defensive, it’s usually related to a sincere fear. What could calling out look like to you?
What to say when you don’t know what to say.
It’s natural to be so shocked in the moment, that you don’t know what to say.
The perfect response occurs to you weeks later instead.
In those moments you have the power to bring people back to home base. To simply remind them of the reason you’re there.
A boundary is your limit.
When you let people know what your limit is (e.g. here to talk about X but not Y), if it goes outside of that scope, you can invite them back into the conversation.
Here are examples:
‘I agree that’s important, but let’s get back to what we’re here to talk about.’
‘I don’t want to talk about others like that. Anyway…’
‘It’s good to disagree at times. But I’m not down with criticising each other.’
‘Can we try again?’ (My personal go-to).
Setting a boundary isn’t being dramatic or yelling.
It can be a quiet resetting of the conversation you’re both there to have.
This is especially useful if you’re in shock.
It also shows them that you can accept temporary blips in judgement. We’re human, etcetera.
Sharing your limits holds you both to a higher standard.
If you just can’t agree.
It happens. The next step is to be explicit with what agreeing to disagree means for them.
Your job isn’t to control the outcome. It’s to go in with good faith, be open to learning about their reality, and being clear on what your non-negotiables are.
If they can’t get on board with that, that’s their choice. It could be time to have a different conversation.
The quick checklist before going into the conversation you are nervous about.
What can we both look forward to, by having a different kind of relationship?
What will I do to show positive intent in this conversation?
What can I physically do to press ‘pause’ on my internal panic button?
If it goes off the rails, what is my ‘back to home base’ sentence?
If we can’t agree, what can we agree on as next steps?
This issue takes up time, costs money, and increases business risks.
A big majority of leaders and employees you work with need these skills.
According to Business Queensland, the majority of managers spend the bulk of their time dealing with grievances. And in one survey of 200 workers, the average worker spent 4 hours per week managing interpersonal conflict.
From a business perspective, the cost and risk of stress related grievances in compensation claims can skyrocket if leaders don’t have the tools to address disagreements confidently.
In our Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme, we teach these lessons.
We cover how to open a feedback conversation, manage defensiveness, and land on an agreement.
The result is that people have more productive feedback conversations.
What could your leaders and individual contributors achieve at work if they got regular, empowering feedback?
Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme.
For leaders and individual contributors.