Rebuilding Fractured Relationships.
What can trigger
a rift in a relationship?
Any instance where you doubt your safety at work.
If you have a relationship in need of rebuilding, the first step is to identify what’s missing.
A rift in a relationship exists because one person is not getting their needs met.
That might look like an expectation your peer behaves a certain way, a craving for them to not speak to you in a specific way, or you just want them to deliver on time.
For example, you might be comfortable, but it’s clear someone else isn’t. Or, you might be uncomfortable and someone else is.
What all instances share is that in relationships in need of repair, someone isn’t getting what they need.
As you read this today, consider whether the problem is an unmet need of yours, or theirs. And based on that, what you’d like to do about it.
What triggers a rift in a relationship?
At work, it’s usually when an expectation is mis-matched.
Common examples we see at Happiness Concierge are:
Getting a surprising piece of feedback. It takes you back as you trusted your boss would have told you months ago if it were true. You start to doubt the strength of your relationship with your boss and worry about it. The relationship is impacted.
Feeling uncomfortable in a performance review. Getting unexpected feedback can spark a rift in your mind. You start to hold back sharing your work with others in case it gets misinterpreted. The relationship starts to falter as a result.
Being presented with a change. It unsteadies your thoughts about this being a stable job and it sends you into a panic of overwhelm. You start to resent and fear your workplace as a result and those who work there.
At the heart of it is that there’s a loss of trust, due to two people having different expectations and perceptions of reality.
“What’s really bothering me?”
When we work with clients, we ask them to clarify whether it’s someone else's behaviour that’s bothered them (such as missing deadlines), or whether they feel unsafe around others.
Sometimes it’s one, other times it’s both.
Here are examples:
I am organised but so and so never delivers on time. I don’t trust they'll deliver, and I hesitate to give them work. Our relationship is fractured as a result.
I don’t feel comfortable around so and so. They always say something inappropriate. As a result, I avoid them and our relationship is non-existent.
I have no idea what is up with this person. They are so inconsistent, it really puts me on edge.
What would your version of the above look like?
Why do fractured relationships affect us so much?
Aside from the obvious productivity considerations (less collaboration, more micromanaging, less asking for help, more presenteeism), a fractured relationship can have an enormous impact on your health and wellbeing.
Underneath the reasons your relationship is in disrepair is usually one of five deeper fears that can deeply impact your confidence and experience at work.
These are:
Job security: worrying that your job could be jeopardised working with this person in this way.
Second hand incompetence: believing your reputation is impacted working with this person.
Uncertainty: that ‘ick’ feeling of being uncertain about where you stand with someone else.
Loss of freedoms: a sense of losing benefits to a job (such as flexibility) due to working with this person.
Lack of fairness: very few other things get our defensiveness up than having the perception that a scenario is unfair.
These elements (referred to as the ‘SCARF Model: status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, fairness), are well documented risks for misunderstanding in any relationship.
When you think of your experience … do any ring true for you?
The road to repair.
Once you’re clear on what’s really bothering you, you can figure out whether it’s something you can change.
To do that, you need to have positive intent. Faith, that if you worked through your issues, you could have a functional relationship.
Whether it’s repairable is largely up to how you see it (as the only thing you can control is yourself).
What immediately comes to mind when you think about whether it’s possible to repair?
Yes, no or ‘depends’?
If it depends, see what ‘stage’ is your relationship at.
When we teach this workshop in workplaces, we ask people to choose what stage their relationship is at.
When you look at the situation, is it a …
Simple disagreement?
Doubt in the other person's intent or capabilities?
Damage in trust?
Depending on which category you see the relationship in will influence your ability to repair.
By identifying where you see the relationship, you can understand whether it’s safe to proceed with a conversation, or whether the better move is to prioritise your wellbeing and get support (or space from them).
If it’s a simple disagreement or a sprinkle of doubt, it’s likely you’ll be able to make moves to repair.
If there’s been a loss of trust, it will take some mental gymnastics to consider working with this person in a constructive way. It really depends how much emotional energy you have, and how, of course, receptive they are should you pursue repair.
Depending on your answer, the next step is to make steps to rebuild.
The six steps to repair.
For rebuilding to be possible it’s useful to remember the six steps of repair:
Focus on the end goal. Leave the ‘I said, they said’ behind and focus on the end goal you have in mind.
Outline how you can both get your needs met. For example, instead of going in with a list of demands, get sincerely curious about what they need to have a more productive relationship. Share your essentials, and see if they’re open to it.
Stay cool and remind yourself it doesn't need to be ‘fixed’ in one conversation. It could take many.
You don’t need to explain yourself in great detail. Simply outlining whether it’s working for you or not is enough.
Be explicit about what you’re not there for. For example, outline that you’d like a better relationship as the end goal.
Set your limits to the conversation. If it gets into an argument, you’re able to take time out and remind them of the end goal. Remove yourself if needed and come back to it if you prefer.
What to say.
Let’s say you have the conversation. Your job is to be clear about the ideal outcome you’re looking for. Direct and specific is best.
Here are examples:
‘I want to have a better working relationship. What’s getting in the way for me is when we meet, X happens.’
‘I want to collaborate with you more effectively and what I notice is that there seems to be a few things that get in the way of that. Are you open to chatting about what we could do about it?’
‘I’m feeling frustrated as I’m not getting what I need, and chances are, neither are you. Do you want to have a chat about how we could turn that around?’
The main thing to remember is that it doesn't need to be detailed or laboured. Just direct and - crucially - focussed on the ideal outcome.
What might your version of this look like?
If you’d like more guidance on what to say, check out our handy guide to giving and receiving feedback.
‘I worry they’ll be defensive’.
That’s likely. Check out this handy guide to managing defensiveness and what to do if your conversation goes bad.
Creating safety in yourself.
Is it safe to have a conversation? That’s up to you. You’re a good judge of what’s safe for you.
If you don’t feel safe at work, it’s not safe to have a conversation. Your task is self-repair, vs approaching the situation.
Four ways to self-repair:
Getting space from the situation (e.g. take time off, stress leave, sick leave).
Getting support to process what you’re experiencing (e.g. counsellor, EAP, your boss if appropriate, HR, work health and safety).
Creating a personal safety plan to manage moments of overwhelm at work.
It’s often feedback gone wrong.
Because rifts often rear their head in feedback scenarios, it’s important to prepare yourself and those in your care.
In our Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme, we teach these lessons.
We cover how to open a feedback conversation, manage defensiveness, and land on an agreement.
The result is that people have more productive feedback conversations.
What could your leaders and individual contributors achieve at work if they got regular, empowering feedback?
Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme.
For leaders and individual contributors.