Giving Feedback.
We can’t control how other people respond to feedback.
What we have complete control over, is how clear, specific, and kind we are when we give feedback.
Let’s step through the fundamentals of giving helpful feedback.
We give feedback for three reasons:
1. To celebrate a behaviour
2. To endorse/adapt a behaviour
3. To help someone achieve a goal
If it doesn’t fit into one of the three categories … it isn’t feedback. It’s just our opinion.
Taking a moment to ask ourselves, ‘Does this help this person celebrate a behaviour, adapt a behaviour, or help them achieve a goal?’, is an excellent way to frame whether we give feedback in the first place.
See, effective feedback helps someone take a step forward. When we laser in on what feedback will help someone take a positive step forward, we dial down the noise we may have in our head to pave the way for a straightforward, helpful piece of feedback.
Feedback is an observation, not an accusation.
When we separate the person from the behaviour, we can speak more kindly and fairly, from a place of objectivity. This helps us have a fairer, evidence-based conversation.
To prepare our feedback key points, we can ask ourself two simple questions:
Observation: What are we observing?
Impact: What is the impact as a result of that behaviour?
If we want to ‘win’ the conversation, we’re not ready (yet!) to give feedback. Instead, we can take the time to ask ourselves what the behaviour we’re looking to adapt is, by revisiting the above questions.
Here are a few examples:
I’m observing that my team member is late.
The impact is that our meetings start late, which means the rest of our day runs late.
Pausing to write down our observation, and the impact, is a great way to put any gripes to the side and share relevant, specific, useful information with the other person.
Feedback is a two-way conversation.
It is so tempting to share your feedback then … want the conversation to be over! However, effective feedback is a two-way discussion.
This means, after you share your observation, and the impact, your next task is to stop talking. Truly!
Simply check in with the person to ask what their understanding or perspective is. This may take some practice at first. What you’re doing here is pausing, to understand how they see things. If we don’t know how someone else sees our observation, we are no closer to understanding whether our feedback is going to be effective.
It’s not about what we say. It’s about what someone hears.
By checking in, we’re seeing whether what we’ve said has resonated with the person, or whether they have context we don’t know about to help us paint a clearer picture.
Using the ‘Feed Forward Framework’ at Happiness Concierge, that would look like this:
Observation: I’ve noticed…
Impact: As a result …
Check in: What’s your understanding/experience?
This is such a game changing part of the process. After sharing the impact, all we need to do is stop talking to hear the other person's perspective.
And you know what? So often we hear that people are able to learn so much more about their coworkers and work with them to better understand, help them out where useful, and actually get greater context.
End every conversation with an agreement.
Agreeing on the next step forward helps you and your team member understand what the next steps are. Those steps could be ‘circling back to discuss more’ to give a team member a chance to digest. It could be agreeing to do something differently. You don’t need to resolve the conversation in the room, but you do need to know what page you’re both on so you can take positive action.
For example, let’s say a team member is late, and you’ve outlined the impact. When checking in on their experience, they might reveal to you the meeting is on the same day as a huge deadline you’re all responsible for. You might change the meeting time, start the meeting without them and send them minutes or you might actually end up creating a game plan to lighten the workload around the deadline, so you’re all helping out. There are so many ways to solve a challenge together and with that context, you’ve got so much more data.
But what if you don’t agree?
That’s more than okay. Your job is to be clear and listen. Their job is to own their perspective.
If you find it’s tricky to land on an agreement in your conversation, that’s okay. Give each other space to reflect and come back to the conversation. Try a phrase such as “Shall we pause for today and review next week?”, or “Did you want to think about it and let me know in a few days?” to give the person some space to reflect.
If you don’t find you are on the same page, here are a few ways to have that conversation:
“It’s a tricky spot, as I see it this way and you have a different view. Yet, we do have to do X Y Z.”
“It sounds like we have different perspectives on this. I have a few ideas of a way forward, perhaps we can swap notes?”
“Perhaps we agree to disagree? It’s important that I document this and you’re welcome to document your perspective, too, so it’s on file.”
“As we aren’t able to find a way forward, let’s get someone to help us get on the same page, or come to an understanding.”
Feedback can take place over many conversations.
It’s tempting to want to ‘finish’ the feedback in one conversation, when in fact sometimes it can take a few goes to help the other person understand the impact.
Remember, we don’t always see how our behaviour impacts others straight away. Sometimes, we need a minute to reflect.
This is also helpful to remember when we’re having a nuanced conversation or we need someone to first see their behaviour as getting in the way of their own success.
Every conversation you have is an opportunity to practise improving your communication. Using the Feed Forward Framework, we hope, is a step in a helpful direction.
Happiness Concierge Feed Forward Framework:
1. Observation: I’ve noticed …
2. Impact: As a result …
3. Check in: What is your experience?
4. Agreement: What next?
In our Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme, we teach these lessons.
We cover how to open a feedback conversation, manage defensiveness, and land on an agreement.
The result is that people have more productive feedback conversations.
What could your leaders and individual contributors achieve at work if they got regular, empowering feedback?
Giving & Receiving Feedback Programme.
For leaders and individual contributors.