Feeling Defensive At Work.
Ever feel ‘attacked’ getting feedback?
It’s a physiological response to being under ‘threat’.
Do you ever feel ‘attacked’ when getting feedback?
If so, you’re like 90% of the people in my workshops.
If feedback helps us learn and grow … why are so few of us any good at receiving it?
Why feedback can feel so high-stakes at work.
When getting feedback, the ‘threats’ your brain is scanning for include:
Your job security.
Your status/job title.
Your financial security.
Your autonomy/flexibility/perks.
Your relationships.
Your reputation.
When you think back to the last time you got feedback …
Did any of these fears creep into your mind while you were politely nodding along?
What happens next is an automatic, physiological, stress response.
If you worry about a threat when you get feedback, it’s reassuring to know it’s a physiological response (e.g. your brain takes over for a bit).
When under stress, the part of your brain that project manages how you respond to a ‘threat’ (your amygdala) will typically get you to do one of the following:
Fight = get defensive. This means you’ll spend most of the conversation defending yourself and very little reflecting on what was said.
Freeze = zone out. This means you might feel as though all the words were blurry, as though you were underwater. You won't remember what was said.
Flight = shut down the convo. You’ll find some way to end the meeting or leave the room.
Fawn = Your instinct will be to fast-track the feedback to get it over and done with. You’ll be agreeable to move along.
Do any of the above seem familiar to you?
Creating discernment in the feedback you take on.
Learning how to process feedback is an advanced skill, yet it’s assumed you have it before you get your first job.
And consider this: even the pros struggle with defensiveness.
So if you can relate, you’re in good company.
Every employee survey on the planet says workers want more feedback, yet the majority of employees completely panic when getting it.
And, here’s a fun fact: the majority of leaders who want to give feedback, but don’t, or don’t do it well, worry about how you’ll respond.
Which means less useful feedback for you, to help you learn and grow.
One way forward is sending signals you can handle feedback.
So let’s look at a few simple tools to help you be more confident navigating those conversations.
Four ways to think about feedback.
Feedback isn’t an order.
It’s a request. You get to decide whether you take on the feedback. Whenever you get feedback, you get to think, ‘is this useful for me?’
Feedback is data.
In the delivery, is a message. If you focus on what the person is trying to say, you can figure out later whether you agree.
You never need to agree on the spot.
Buy yourself some time if you need a minute to get your head around it.
Say you’ll think about it and come back to them. Ask to revisit it again later once you’ve had some time to reflect.
Create a mantra to help you feel calmer in the moment.
Creating a sentence or mantra you can say to yourself when you’re in that zone can be useful.
Here’s an example: ‘figure out what the message is, first’. That can help you cool your adrenaline so you can figure out what people are saying, first.
A tool to process feedback.
When you feel the defensiveness coming, try the four steps of D.A.T.A.
D.A.T.A. stands for:
De-personalise the feedback.
Ask for specifics.
Test your assumptions.
Agree on what next.
Let’s dive into those four steps …
Step 1: De-personalise.
Somewhere, in the feedback, is a potentially useful insight for your career. You decide whether you take it on, but still, you have to figure out what it is before you make that decision, right?
By depersonalising it - e.g. ‘this is not about me being terrible at my job’ - you pave the way to hear what feedback is actually on offer.
Some employees enjoy using a mantra when going through a conversation.
Examples:
‘I don’t need to agree, but I do need to understand, first.’
‘This isn’t a personal attack. This is one person's opinion’.
‘I can decide if I take it on, once I get my head around it.’
What do you think your version could look like?
Step 2: Ask for specifics.
It’s hard to think about actioning feedback if you can’t imagine what you’d do differently, right? So it’s not rude to ask for examples, as it helps you understand what they are sharing.
Examples:
‘Can you give me an example?’
‘Would there be a scenario you can think of?’
‘Is there a scenario coming up you have in mind?’
Get more specifics so you can understand what they are trying to tell you. Then, you decide if you see it similarly, or differently.
Step 3: Test your assumptions.
Your defensiveness loves to assume someone is being cruel to you. When in fact, often feedback is about a simple way to do something differently.
That’s why testing your assumptions is so useful for taming the defensiveness dragon. Specifically, by making sure you understand.
You’re buying yourself some time, by playing back what you understand, so your adrenaline can cool down and not steal the show. Notice how your heart rate calms as you play back (e.g. literally repeat what you understand) what you believe they have shared with you.
Examples:
‘Am I hearing that you’re looking for …’
‘So I understand, you’re thinking of ideas to …’
‘Do I have it right? This isn’t working …’
It’s essentially a buffer to catch any misunderstandings. It helps you, your defensiveness dragon, and the feedback for your career. Win.
Step 4: Agree.
Sounds simple, but it helps you figure out a) what you want to commit to, if anything and b) manage the expectation of your boss/person sharing feedback. You’re sharing upfront what you’re willing (or not) to do, as a result of the feedback conversation.
Examples:
‘So we’re agreeing to alter how we do 1:1’s?’
‘The next step is to …’
‘We’re agreeing that we need another conversation?’
‘Can I come back to you?’
The main thing to remember is you never need to commit to something you’re not sure of in the room. But you want to agree to that - e.g. come back if you need a minute to figure out what just happened - so your colleague understands.
That way, you can take your recapture of the conversation to a trusted friend or colleague to help you make sense of the feedback.
How does that sound?
Remember: most managers are terrified of doing feedback ‘wrong’.
By signalling that the perfect delivery is not expected, you’re showing good faith and a sincere interest in growing and learning. That helps them feel more confident giving more useful feedback to you.
Your only job from there is deciphering the feedback, which you can do every time you get feedback by practicing.
Do you want employees to have the skills to handle performance conversations?
Get this easy to use framework in your workplace from workshops on feedback and managing expectations.
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