Diffusing Conflict In Conversations.
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person was hostile?
Maybe you were giving feedback? Or a ‘blame game’ starts out of nowhere?
What to do when the conversation goes off-track.
Instead of reacting to poor behaviour with the same energy (e.g. you’re frustrated, so now I am too!), try pausing for a minute.
When you smell defensiveness, or blaming, press pause to ask yourself: is this really the type of working relationship you’d like?
Asking yourself what your non-negotiable is for how you want to show up at work, and finding ways to get back to that, can be helpful when navigating an inhospitable response.
Let’s look at some ideas for how to do that in the moment.
Six principles for turning a dysfunctional conversation around.
It can be useful to consider that when someone acts badly, they are meeting some form of need that works for them (e.g. keeping them safe or seen).
Your job as the person who wants a productive outcome, is not to convince them they are wrong and you are right, despite how tempting that can be.
It’s to help them see how they can get their needs met, albeit another way.
Principle 1: Call out the end goal for you both.
Zooming out to focus on the big picture (e.g. what your shared goal is) is one way to re-direct the conversation.
People pay attention to what’s in it for them.
And when we’re heightened or frustrated, our ‘what’s in it for me’ is laser focussed.
Examples:
‘We both need the X project to go well.’
‘We both are responsible for a positive workplace environment.’
‘We both report to the same boss.’
‘We both need the committee to agree, right?
Reminding them how they benefit can be a useful way to remind them to focus on getting that shiny object.
Outline what you both have in common, see if it lands.
Principle 2: Paint a picture where you both get what you want.
Sure, things aren't great now … but what could a different version look like?
Examples:
‘The way we’re working isn’t working for me, how about you? Can we start again?’
‘What would be on your wishlist for this to go well?’
‘All I need is the X report. What do you need for this to go well?’
Sometimes people who find themselves in drama don’t know how to not be in drama. Outlining a scenario where you both win, could be an ‘aha’ moment for them.
Remember, it’s not about you vs them. It’s about you both getting what you need.
Could this principle be relevant for you?
Principle 3: Your main job is to stay calm and talk as little as possible.
It sounds simple, but it’s amazing how crazy conversations get when someone loses their cool, even if you don’t think it’ll happen to you.
But alas, even the pros can find themselves losing their cool in the moment.
So, before you head in, make a plan on how you will stay cool. Specifically: slowing down your heart rate and reframing your ‘what-is-happening’ thoughts into centering their humanity.
Examples:
Breathing slowly as they talk.
Wiggling your toes to ground yourself into the floor.
Thinking to yourself ‘slow down, listen.’
Squeeze your bum cheeks (don’t knock it until you try it).
What each of these examples do is slow you down.
Keep yourself safe from your physiological response that instinctively wants to defend yourself.
One framing can be: ‘what can I do, to help me come back to home base’?
What might your version of this be, do you think?
Principle 4: Say your bit - then stop talking.
It’s counterintuitive but wow, does this work. Say your bit then .... stop talking. Talk for 10%. Workshop/listen/have a chat for the other 90%.
Why does this work so well? When the person you’re chatting to doesn’t get a chance to share their experience, it fast tracks their need to 'defend themselves'. They think: ‘this isn't fair. I haven't shared my side of the story.’
Then, bam, they’re off on a tangent that derails your conversation.
Fairness is one of the biggest drivers of defensiveness. One way you can minimise that happening is to make it fair. Hand them the mic.
Caveat: when you hand the mic, give them freak out credits. Give them time to bluster through their defensiveness before they come back to their own ‘voice’. This can often take longer than you think.
Hand the mic. Filter through the word casserole. Find the gems.
Principle 5: Put limits on what you won’t talk about.
If and when you hear some wild content, it’s okay to let people know what your limit is.
Examples:
‘I’m okay to talk about this, but I’m not going to be talked at like that.’
‘I don’t want to talk about others like that.’
‘I think it’s okay that we disagree. But I don’t want to criticise each other.’
‘Can we try again?’
Setting a boundary isn’t being dramatic or yelling.
It can be a quiet resetting of the conversation you’re both there to have.
This is especially useful if you’re in shock, or they’ve been historically surprising.
It also shows you’re okay accepting temporary blips in judgement. We’re human, etcetera.
Think of it this way: sharing your limits to the conversation holds you both to a higher standard.
Principle 6: Have a plan if you can’t agree.
Sure, your plan is that it goes well. And, knowing what you’ll do if you can’t agree, will help you relax, putting less pressure on it to go well, if it doesn’t.
You don’t need to action the ‘we don’t agree list’ in the meeting. But giving them the choice lets you remove the need to control how it goes. They’re a grown up: give them their options, let them choose.
Examples:
If we can’t agree, do we need to talk about their role?
If they can’t agree, is the next step a performance improvement plan?
If we can’t agree, is the next step to get a mediator?
If this doesn’t work, am I personally going to give up on this working?
Is it useful for you, to know the answer, before you go into the conversation?
Is it useful to chat to HR or an external professional about your rights, limits and options, before you go in?
Your job is to go in with good faith, be open to learning about their reality, and being clear on what your non-negotiables are.
If they can’t get on board with that, that’s their choice. It could be time to have a different conversation.
The quick checklist before going into the conversation you are nervous about.
What can we both look forward to, by having a different kind of relationship?
What will I do to show positive intent in this conversation?
What can I physically do to press ‘pause’ on my internal panic button?
If it goes off the rails, what is my ‘back to home base’ sentence?
If we can’t agree, what can we agree on as next steps?
Do you want your employees to have these advanced skills?
According to Business Queensland, the majority of managers spend the bulk of their time dealing with grievances. We teach workshops to give people the tools to handle disagreements in feedback training and in our new workshop: Rebuilding Fractured Relationships.
“The most valuable part of the workshop was strategies when someone gets defensive.”